Tag Archive: angry


No Inspiration

Sorry that I have not posted any photos that I have took myself here recently. Ever since before Christmas I have not really had any inspiration or drive to get out and do any photography. The Holidays were enough stress by itself, but I have come to find living where we are, well for lack of a better word is, depressing. Being that I suffer from depression myself, living here and trying to do what I can to protect my family and see that my kids had a good Christmas really took its toll on me. The area we live is has progressively gotten worse since we moved in in May of 2010. The violence has gotten worse and there are times I fear for my life just going outside to walk the dogs. Everyday I find it tough to start a project let alone finish one.

My hobbies have taken a back seat to everything. I have not picked up my camera and captured a photograph. I started drawing last year. One drawing was done and it was do big thing as I am a very new novice at drawing. I recieved a very nice art set for Christmas and I have yet to use it. And my long time favorite hobby, model railroading, has not even gotten past a piece of paper. I talk to different people who are into each one of my hobbies and I start up conversations and I do try to learn what I can. However I find it difficult to get past my depression and find the drive and motivation to do anything. I mean, I do things around the house, well what I can with reguards to my disability, but thats about it. I go out daily to walk the dogs within our apartment complex, and I have gone out and about a couple of times within the past couple of weeks, which does me some good. But its like what I get back inside, the darkness falls over me again and I loose what happiness and drive I did have.

I have come to find that the City of San Bernardino and the state of California is depressing. No one will ever be able to get me to change my mind. We are curretly looking for a place in Arizona where its slightly better when it comes to a few things, but at least its not here. Maybe after we move I will have more drive to do things. But until then I guess I am going to fight my way to find any motivation.

Heavy Heart

For a while now I have been trying to figure out what has been going on with me. However, I think now I have found the answer. I have a heavy heart and its filled with hurt, grief, sorrow and depression.

 

I believe it all started when my father dies in November of 2004. I didn’t grieve until the following year. And ever since, it’s been difficult with hardly anyone understanding me with the exception of my wife. Then in May of 2006 my first baby wound up being a miscarriage and that was hard enough. Then things seem to calm down over the next few years, but I started sinking into depression and having anxiety or panic attacks. So thins year I finally got on meds to help control my mood swings and emotions, but I read about the destruction of our wildlife and the senceless killings of Wolves and their pack and I cry for them when I se the sad images. It seems like no matter how many petitions I sign, or talk to others about my side of the issue, I seem to get kicked in the face. I know I should not be like this over wildlife, but I can not help it, its who I am and it hurts to see a helpless animal stare at the hunter for the last time and take a bullet just because the hunter could. When will it all stop. I see on the news cops killing trained family dogs in cold blood, I also see the senceless killing of ourselves. And for what? Money? Power? Or for the game of it? I think its all a big game and its only going o get worse before it gets better.

 I told myself that I will try to be the voice to those who have no voice and help those who need it the most and ask nothing in return.